My friend’s words left me nearly speechless. I’d never been able to articulate exactly how I felt, but she just had.
“It’s like you’re mourning a person who’s still alive,” she said, lying on the bed with her face propped up against her hand.
Yes, that’s exactly what it was. What it still is.
Even after I left the weekend conference we were attending and came home, I continued to ponder her words. Those words that described a relationship with a loved one who battles addiction. An addiction that consumes their life. An addiction which consumes their soul.
When you love a lost soul, you grieve for the life they could have had.
You grieve for a relationship that’s been severed in a way you’re not sure will ever be repaired. Only the person is still living.
And the grief is perpetual. There is no closure, no final conversation. But sometimes the fear creeps in and you wonder. You wonder if the brief exchange you have via text will be the last. You wonder if what they said was true, or a cover up for something they thought best to hide.
They’re living in a way which eventually leads to death, whether physical or spiritual.
When we grieve the Spirit, there’s always a slow death taking place, whether we realize it or not. We separate ourselves from the living God who loves us and desires an intimate relationship with us.
But can the Spirit have a close relationship with someone who knowingly causes him pain?
As I sat on my sofa mulling over these things on an afternoon in late October, I realized how loss affects us all in different ways. But in one shape or form, we all experience it.
The question is how will it shape us?
Will it embitter us and distance us from God or will it fuel our passion for him and make us love him more? Will it add depth and color to our story or extinguish it completely?
For much of my life, I did the former. I used circumstances in my life as an excuse to run from God and proclaimed everyone in the church was a hypocrite.
But you know what? I was a hypocrite too. I was just as needy of God’s grace and mercy as anyone. And eventually, I realized two things. First:
We’re all beggars in need of God’s grace and mercy, and it’s only by his divine love that our lives are made significant.
God doesn’t rate our sin. He despises it all. But because of the blood, we all have access to the same level ground at the foot of the cross.
Is there someone in your life who’s hurt you? Is the loss and the pain so deep you can barely articulate it?
I get it.
I’ve been there, and I still walk through it. I won’t make excuses for that person. You have permission to create healthy boundaries. You have permission to grieve for the relationship you could have had.
But can I tell you something else? You can’t fix it. And I think this is the part that often causes us the most grief because we want to so badly, but we can’t.
We have to let it go. Which brings me to the second thing:
When we grieve for the living, our greatest hope comes in surrendering them to the Father.
There’s only one person who can fix a broken soul, and he’s not of this world. But we have to allow him to do it. And the person who’s broken has to make that choice.
Tomorrow, when the temptation comes to pick the burden back up, we will have to release it again. Every day, for as long as we live.
Will it be easy? No. But there are burdens in this life we were never made to carry. Let’s give them to the Father can handle the weight.
Let’s give them to the One who bore the weight already.
So, so true. I am so thankful the LORD keeps reminding me of the truth that: “But because of the blood, we all have access to the same level ground at the foot of the cross.”
Coming back as a Prodigal returned, I continue to stumble upon false teaching (even in devotionals for my girls) that I see leading believers along the path I once walked. But rather than my heart filling with compassion for them, I have found myself becoming angry and bitter.
God is now helping me, also through therapy, to understand why. It’s because I haven’t fully grieved what I walked through. I haven’t surrendered the pain to Him. And until I have, I will lean towards calling my brothers and sisters hypocrits, instead of fighting the untruths being preached from a place of love and grace.
I am taking a break from writing on my blog for this reason. God is calling me to listen and receive His love and grace. Your post is beautiful affirmation of His will. Thank you.
Anna, thank you for sharing so candidly here. I went to counseling a while back and it was extremely beneficial to me. Praying for you today. May God use this time away to heal and renew your strength. ❤️
Thank you for this very timely post. My husband of 18 years, decided in 2017 that he simply no longer loved me, had in fact always “loved someone from his middle school years” that he had re-connected with through facebook. Nothing I said or did, no amount of prayer changed his mind.
I still love him. I know God understands and grieves with me over my ex-husband’s choices. All of my earthly friends think it’s good that the divorce has been finalized and now I can “move on”. Not a single person in my immediate family has asked what’s going on not do they even know/care that the divorce was finalized. Some of my church family’s response was, well now you can join the singles group.
I know God is in this with me, but human arms wrapped around as I cry or pray , would have helped brace this on going pain.
Judi, I am so sorry to hear about your family’s response to your pain. God is with you and sees each and every tear. I am praying for you this afternoon. Thank you for stopping here and sharing some of your story.
I can testify to this Abby. I had a doctor tell me I was depressed. I wasn’t buying it, though I would not recommend refusing medicine if you need it. Later, my mother prayed for me. I had a dream that she was taking a baby from a woman in a shroud, she had a black and white shirt on with a rose. Obviously, the baby was me, the black and white was making it clear, and the rose, Jesus. The woman in the shroud was a spirit of grief, which does mimic depression. I was grieving certain things and been delivered of it. Only the Lord can do that and restore your soul. I highly recommend just turning the people over to the Lord, remembering to pray and thank Him. Never say that people are ” dead ” to you as I have heard some say, and do not grieve for yourself or your life as I believe I was, we are neither widows nor orphans with Jesus. Dreams are a way the Lord speaks to you also but please be careful to find good Christian interpretation, avoid occult practices at all costs, the devil is a liar and a counterfeiter. I truly hope that helps someone and He turns tears to joy.
Absolutely true about those who are living not being dead, Becky. God will continue appealing to them and I pray they see the light. Thank you for sharing some of your story here. It is amazing to hear how he’s worked in your life.
Abby,
I have grieved for the living in a couple different ways. Going through divorce is like grieving a death, only the person didn’t die….they simply left. In some ways I think it hurts more than losing someone who loved you…I don’t know. I have also grieved when children have gone down prodigal paths over which I had no control. Again, they are not gone….they are still among the living, but choosing paths that don’t lead to life. In some ways I thinking grieving the living is harder than grieving someone who we know has passed away and is with the Lord. I miss my dad, but know he had a good life and is free of pain, with the Lord and in that there is hope and peace. Grieving the living does not bring peace….we have to turn to the Lord for that….lifting you up in prayer as I know for whom you grieve…
Blessings and ((hugs)),
Bev xx
Bev, thank you so much for your prayers. I pray for those prodigals in your own life as well, my friend. Much love.
Yes! And what a powerful telling. Thank you for those words today. Doing my best to just live trusting God’s got this!
Thank you, Loretta! And yes, he is still working and interceding, even when we don’t see it. He is good.
Thank you for this!! You have no idea how bad I needed to read this! Especially today! I am saving this so when I need to hear it again and again….I can!
Oh Kathy, I am so humbled to hear that. Praise God. Thank you for stopping here and sharing how it encouraged you. What a gift from the Lord.
Thank you Abby. God has used your words about your experience to touch my heart deeply and bring encouragement to my personal situation. What you said about giving it to the Father every day for as long as we live? That was the resolve I needed, friend. I’m thankful for these words today. <3
I know for whom you grieve and my heart is with you. It is so very hard. I grieve for many who struggle daily, including myself. We have to give our selves a break and give it to God. I needed this.
What grief I have suffered. I married an Assistant Pastor. Things were difficult from the day we returned from our honeymoon. Anger, rage, violence.
Eventually he was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I have lived with him now for the past 10 years either in depression or in mania.
He is never the person I met when I married him.
If I did not know Jesus. I don’t know what I would do. No family, no friends. Nobody but myself and him.